60 Small Business Traps To Avoid in 2011


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You are getting close to the time for your new-year resolutions. We figured we’d try to give you as much help as we can. Most of what we do is always in such a serious vane that we thought we’d depart from that and take a semi-humorous approach to this post.

So we sat down and reviewed some of the mistakes we saw our clients make in 2010 and prepared this list of 60 to avoid. We need to warn you that a lot of these relate to experiences in restaurants, bars and neighborhood watering holes where we spend “creative” time . If you read between the lines you’ll spot the traps!!!

Here we go:

1. Banks have a magic number they use to determine if you qualify for a loan. They multiply your IQ by 7 and if that number is greater than your credit score you instantly qualify. Have your IQ tested before going to see your banker.
2. Lady Gaga has no time for you these days. She’s finally made it! Harry Reid tweeted her after the DADT vote!
3. Kanye West is now totally useless! His 140 characters are all used up. Taylor Swift can now breathe and sing that jingle for your business.
4. Don’t take Mooji literally! “The true essence of anyone is the true essence of everyone,” only if you ride public transportation.
5. How come the only customers consistently missing from this Mexican restaurant are Mexicans?
6. You got fired because you’re incompetent and now you want to what? Start up a business? Get over it!
7. Why would you buy advertising when you don’t have a clue as to your target market.
8. I get sea sick when I sit on your bar stools!
9. Shh! We know you’re gay! You don’t have to say it out loud and embarrass us. We’re the freaking US armed forces out on the town!
10. Of course the State will pay for you to go to school to learn to run your own business. After all you just got fired for being unreliable.
11. Listen up! You need to register your business name with the State and get a domain name for your web site. This in no joke!
12. Why did you sign a lease when you don’t yet have the money to start up the business?
13. If you know you’re a good entrepreneur clap with one hand.
14. The sound you hear is John Boehner, the Speaker crying. Did he wet his bed again? Go get some more Depends.
15. I didn’t buy it when it was CRM and now you want me to invest in it as SCRM. What’s the extra letter going to cost me?
16. Yahoo Answers! Get over it and stop sending me notices of the Best Answers I won when you suspended my account three years ago.
17. Foursquare your application can’t ever find me and I’m a Droid not an iThing. How depressing!
18. I know you’re a PR consultant but you’re pushing this Facebook Page thing too hard. Let them build a web site first.
19. You registered how many domain names? 360? Until you figure out which one works best? OooKaaaay! I think I got It!
20. And the mule said to the donkey “Saga Boy don’t you molest me” while we’re at work.
21. Foursquare you just made me Mayor of my bank. Now if I only had some money in the business account!
22. How can a city have 85% of its economy driven by small business but its economic plan going forward is based solely on large businesses.
23. Why do city planners and other government types have no experience in running businesses? Don’t you get it? Cities are not businesses.
24. “Even your identity which you think is a fact, is fiction. I don’t want this to hurt you” Mooji, you need to sit and talk to Rabbi Hillel.
25. Idiot, you ignored me when I arrived at your upscale restaurant and now I’m leaving, your nose is still in the guest book.
26. You made me sit in the bar while I could see that you had several open tables and you were not that busy. Obviously you’re trying to get me to buy your overpriced booze.
27. The noise in your bar sucked and the couple of screeching customers with high frequency voices amplified by the poor acoustics did me in.
28. I hate web sites where things are always flashing by. As we get older we need to concentrate to retain information…… Just saying!
29. Doctor, Your reception area is so quiet, it’s like a morgue. We’re not dead yet.
30. Many of your customers are baby boomers, their eye sight is the third thing to go. Write your instructions in a bigger font.
31. It helps if your staff would learn to smile occasionally.After all, we are your customers and we spend the money.
32. The menu font is so small and artistic I can’t even read the bloody thing in full sunlight.
33. If I wanted an eye test I would have gone to an eye clinic. You’re making me walk through this maze to find stuff but I can’t read a thing.
34. Does Internet Explorer suck or am I getting totally senile?
35. It’s so dark in here, I couldn’t read the menu. So when you bring me the bill, bring a torchlight so I can figure out how much to tip you.
36. Your plates are so poorly shaped, every time I put my utensils down, they slide into the food.
37. Hey Rush! Your fifteen minutes of fame are long over. I hear you’re moving to Panama.
38. Your menu is written in French. This is the United States Of America and we speak English here in case you forgot. Bring me the Babel Fish translator with the menu!
39. Your “Juicy steak served with fresh cauliflower” reminded me of the “Dried out steak served with stale cauliflower” on the menu down the street. Don’t state the obvious!
40. I was in a group of four people and your wait staff insisted on removing plates before everyone was finished. How thoughtful of them?
41. I add sugar and cream to my coffee to fit my taste buds – ask me before you add coffee to my cup!
42. Forget your crappy wait staff and their lousy attitude. Let’s talk about the rest of my problem with this transaction.
43. Where are the shopping carts. Oh I’m supposed to fetch it in with me from the parking lot. Hey buddy, I walked here!
44. My table rocks back and forth and I feel like I’m at sea. Bring on the dramamine.
45. Hey Mr. Pharmacist, why didn’t you tell me that my senior discount gave me a better price for my medicine than my insurance pays.
46. Your customer sat at the bar waiting for the table and the back on the bar stool was falling off and your barista with the humongous attitude told him it wasn’t her problem.
47. So he complained to the waiter about the rocking table and he looked at him as if he were an idiot but decided to get him another table.
48. And your people put non-alcoholic beer in the alcohol spot on the beer shelf and the customer must wait a half hour in line to do an exchange.
49. So guess what, moron! This bar stool is broken and I’m scared that at any moment I could be on the floor. Fix the furniture!!!
50. Ever notice that the loudest mouths in an upscale restaurant are the ones on the cell phones.
51. So he brings the water glass and it has spots all over it and some traces of lipstick …ughhh… I decide to skip water and not to ask for another glass because I’m afraid of ticking off this waiter…who knows what he’ll do to my order in the kitchen.
52. He hands me the menu and not only is the print so freaking small that you need magnifiers to read it…you also used the kind of font where the 5, 6 and 8 all look alike.
53. When you come to an interview with me, turn off your g-d damn phone!
54. Hey Glenn, we hear you’re moving to Alaska. Hope you and Sarah will be happy there! We’ll put Alaskan smoked salmon on the menu!
55. I’ll relate to you my experience in your bathroom at a later time. Enough is enough.
56. It was late night TV! They’ll tell you anything you want to hear. Of course she said she’ll help you avoid paying the IRS and you believed her!
57. There are no grants from the government. The government only gives away money to large banks and auto companies.
58. When you sit in one of my classes or seminars at least mute the ringer on your stupid cell phone.
59. I’m well over 40 … my golden years came early for me…so print the instructions for use on the box so I can read the freaking thing.
60. Enough! Stop wasting time with this garbage!!!

Now go make your new year resolutions and good luck in 2011.

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Republished with author's permission from original post.

Jim Smith
YCHANGE International
Jim Smith mentors entrepreneurial start-ups and counsels small to mid sized companies that are looking to expand or are under performing or under capitalized.


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