Imagine (if you can) that tomorrow some Process Lords from planet BPM are going to land on Earth – in fact right on the doorstep of your company. OK, so full marks for marketing potential but then comes the difficult bit. They are going to use that time-honoured phrase “Take us to your leader” and naturally they are going to assume that the leader will be head of processes.
What follows next will probably be similar to a conversation I had last week with a person who – at least by title – is responsible for a decent part of the processes of a major european financial institution.
Me: So you’re the guy to talk to about processes?
Him: Well, officially yes. But for the next 2 years I’m tied up in a non-related project, so I can’t really help you.
Me: OK, so who do I talk to instead?
Him: If it concerns processes, you’d need to talk to every single team leader, plus the heads of department and don’t forget the governance and compliance folks.
Me: How many people would that be?
Him: Uh, about 600.
(It was then that I decided to at least have some fun, seeing that this conversation wasn’t getting me anywhere)
Me: The reason I’m calling is that I wanted to offer you the process equivalent of the holy grail and I just wondered who best to talk to and by the way, I’ll be meeting your CIO next week.
Him: Can’t really help you I’m afraid. Everyone at the bank is doing their own thing with processes.
Me: Why?
Him: Because they’re important.
Me: Oh right. So … you’re not interested in the holy grail, you can’t point me towards someone whose job it is to be interested but all the same processes are important? Doesn’t that strike you as weird?
It was at this point that we decided to change the subject. He wasn’t trying to get rid of me, he just couldn’t help me.
Now I wonder how the aliens would have reacted. Would they have continued to talk about the weekends football results like I did or would they have gotten on their spaceship again, taken to the skies from where we would then have heard the quiet order: “Prepare laser and EXTERMINATE”?
Images (thanks for those childhood memories):
Tardis: http://strangebuttrueradio.blogspot.com/2011/05/eastbourne-east-sussex-england-tardis.html
Daleks: http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/Evolution_of_the_Daleks
