{"id":1040448,"date":"2023-07-17T10:29:54","date_gmt":"2023-07-17T17:29:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/customerthink.com\/?p=1040448"},"modified":"2023-07-17T10:29:54","modified_gmt":"2023-07-17T17:29:54","slug":"i-hear-you-my-way","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/customerthink.com\/i-hear-you-my-way\/","title":{"rendered":"I Hear You My Way"},"content":{"rendered":"

I recently got an email from a subscriber complaining that although he\u2019d read and learned a ton from my articles over the years, he was having trouble reading them on his computer and would I please put them up on my\u00a0blog<\/u><\/a>. (They\u2019re up.)<\/p>\n

When I read the email, I heard him\u00a0from my own filters. At the time it sounded like he was\u00a0telling me what to do and being disrespectful. My inner response: \u201cWait, what?! Why email me before checking? They’re already there! And if you loved my ideas why don\u2019t you want to buy the learning tools that go with them?? And why would you contact me to tell me what I’ve done wrong when you’ve never even thanked me?”?<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t say all that, naturally. Instead I wrote suggesting he check my site<\/a> and suggested he print it out to possibly resolve\u00a0his reading problem. He replied by offering names of other bloggers that do it his way (He STILL didn\u2019t\u00a0check! And I’m STILL wrong!)\u00a0and\u00a0that he was merely trying to help (Help what? Who?) so why didn\u2019t I appreciate his efforts (To do what?), and (the best one): why was I getting defensive when he was offering me valuable advice (Valuable for who?).<\/p>\n

Two people hearing what they heard, entering a dialogue with unique expectations, subjective\u00a0filters and biases, and each some distance from the truth.<\/p>\n

SUBJECTIVE FILTERS CAUSE A TRANSLATION PROBLEM<\/p>\n

When a misunderstanding occurs Speakers assume they are in the \u2018right\u2019 because they \u2018said it clearly\u2019, and believe their communication partner is just \u2018not listening\u2019; Listeners assume what they think they hear is accurate and when there’s a problem, assume it’s the Speaker’s fault for ‘not saying it clearly’.<\/p>\n

But both are wrong: Speakers erroneously think that because they choose what seem like the \u2018right\u2019 words to impart their message accurately, Listeners should understand exactly what they mean\/intend. But it\u2019s not possible, and it\u2019s not a \u2018listening\u2019 problem, or a problem of intent, skill, or concentration. It\u2019s a translation problem caused by the brain\u2019s wiring.<\/p>\n

As Listeners we can certainly hear the words spoken. But when it comes to interpreting them, we\u2019re at the mercy of how our\u00a0subjective listening filters<\/a>\u00a0translate the words we hear. Indeed, we only grasp our own unconscious translation of what\u2019s been said, regardless of how disparate it is from the message intended.<\/p>\n

My book What? Did you really say what I think I heard?<\/em><\/strong><\/a> breaks down how our subjective filters, normalized thinking patterns, and habituated neural pathways determine what we hear Others say. And as I learned while writing, it\u2019s not our fault when we get it wrong.<\/p>\n

WE CAN’T UNDERSTAND ACCURATELY<\/p>\n

The problem is neither Speaker or Listener can get it right. And unfortunately, both assume the Other has heard accurately:<\/p>\n